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Politics
Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps
ARLINGTON, VA—In what may be the largest-ever disclosure of government data concerning the mysterious aerial phenomena, Pentagon officials announced Wednesday they had begun releasing a…
Local
Shaman Named Dwayne
Obituaries
Stella Leonard
Park ranger Stella Leonard, 37, succumbed to her injuries Thursday after being mauled by a tourist.
News
New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Had Quinceañeras
BOZEMAN, MT—Upending long-held beliefs about how the prehistoric reptiles commemorated a juvenile female’s transition into adulthood, new evidence published Thursday by researchers at Montana State…
News
Is Taking A GLP-1 Worth It?
As more Americans than ever turn to Ozempic and Wegovy for weight loss, consumers are becoming increasingly conscious of such drugs’ trade-offs. Here are the…
Local
‘Oh Fuck,’ Announces Belching, Groaning Bus Passenger Directly Behind Woman
CHICAGO—Noting that there were no empty seats to switch to on the entirely full bus, sources confirmed Tuesday morning that a belching, groaning passenger seated…

News
Technological Advancements Allow Data Centers To Run On Even More Electricity
SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing rapid developments in the infrastructure needed to support artificial intelligence, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced Tuesday that technological advancements were now allowing data…
Politics
Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon
WASHINGTON—Promoting the unfounded assertion in an effort to improve his polling, President Donald Trump baselessly claimed during a White House press conference Monday that he…
Local
Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate
FREDERICKTOWN, MO—In a move many residents of this tight-knit community say jeopardizes the beloved scenic hideaway, a multinational make-out conglomerate announced Tuesday that it had purchased the…
Politics
Rep. Max Miller: ‘I Refuse To Resign Over What My Wife Made Me Do’
American Voices
U.S. Bans Foreign-Made Humanoid Robots
The FCC targeted China by banning the import of foreign-made humanoid robots, citing cybersecurity and national security concerns. What do you think?
News
Powerball By The Numbers
Many U.S.-based players have reportedly stopped purchasing Powerball tickets in spite of a growing jackpot, believing the odds of winning have plummeted amid the multistate…

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