英语幽默小故事（1）

磕睡之人

The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the

收师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时睡觉。一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人打瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好地教育他不要睡觉。

In a whisper, he asked the All who want to go to heaven, please rise， Everyone got up except the After whispering Be seated，the minister shouted at the top of his voice，All those who want to be with the devil，please

他低声地对教徒们说:“想去天堂的人都站起来。”除打瞌睡的人外，每个人都站了起来。牧师说过请坐之后，高声喊道:“下地狱的请站起来!”

Awaking with a start，the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit,”Well，sir, he ,I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for

打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声所惊醒，站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气地望着他。他说:“先生，我不知我们在选什么，但看上去你和我是的侯选人。

英语幽默小故事（2）

聪明的鸟

When the burglar broke into a seemingly empty room one night, a voice suddenly shattered the silence ;I see you,and the saint sees

一位窃贼一天夜里闯进一个好像没有人的空房子。突然寂静中传来一声:“我看见你了，圣人也看见你了。”

The shaken thief took another tentative “I see you，”the voice said again:“and the saint sees “With that，the burglar shined his flashlight in the direction that the voice was coming There，in the circle of light，sat a

这位惊恐不安的贼又试图再走一步，那个声音又说:“我看见你了，圣人也看见你了。”听到声音，窃绒用手电照着声音所传来的方向。在那边儿，一束灯光下坐着一只鹦鹉。

Dumb bird,!'the burglar uttered in

“该死的鸟，”窃贼像松了口气似地骂着。

I see you，”the parrot repeated,”and the saint sees

“我看见你了。”鹦鹉重复地叨唠着:“圣人也看见你了。”

Shut up，“the man snarled as he turned on a lamp， that's when he saw the menacing Doberman Pinscher sitting beside the parrot's perch，staring at him with glittering

“闭嘴，”窃贼边开灯，边喊叫着。这时他发现一条眼光咄咄逼人的构坐在鹦鹉旁。

Sic' em，Saint,squawked the

鹦鹉尖叫着:“圣人，扑呀!扑呀!”

英语幽默小故事（3）

只剩一个引擎

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker:Attention， We have lost one of our engines，but we can certainly reach London with the three we have Unfortunately， we will arrive an hour late as a

一架747客机正跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注意，我们四个引擎之中有一个丢失了。但利下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。不幸的是因此我们书晚到一小时。”

Shortly thereafter，the passengers heard the captain's voice again:Guess what， We just lost our third engine，but please be assured we can fly with only We will now arrive in London three hours

过了一会儿，旅客们又听到了机长的声音:“各位，你们猜怎么啦?”我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了，有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。”

At this point，one passenger became For Pete's sake,he shouted，If we lose another engine，we'll be up here all night !

正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说:“看在上帝的扮止，如果我们再掉一个引拿，我们会整夜都呆在天上了。”

英语幽默小故事（4）

The Ant and the Dove

An ant is walking by the He looks at the river and says to himself, “How nice and cool this water looks! I must drink some of ” But when he is drinking, he slips into the

“!Help!” The ant cries,

A dove is sitting in the She hears him and throws him a leaf, “Climb up that leaf,” she says “and you will float ”

The ant climbs uo onto the leaf, and the wind blows the leaf to the And the ant is

“Thank you, You’re so kind,” The ant says and runs home, “You have saved my life, and I wish I could do something for you, Goodbye!”

“Goodbye!” says the dove, “Be Not to fall into the river ”

After a few days, the dove is building her And a man is raising his gun to shoot

The ant sees this, and runs quickly to bite the man’s “Ouch! Ouch!” The man feels pained and drops his The dove hears and flies So the man picks up his gun and

The dove comes to her “Thank you, my little friend,” she says, “You have saved my ”

The little ant is so glad, because he can help the

蚂蚁和鸽子

一只蚂蚁在河边散步。他看见喝水自言自语道：“这河水看上去真清凉啊!我要去喝点。”可是他在喝水的时候，一不小心滑进河里了。

“啊!救命!救命!’蚂蚁叫喊着。

一只鸽子正呆在树上，听见呼救声，就扔给他一片树叶。“快爬到树叶上去。她说：“你会漂到岸上的。”

“谢谢你，鸽子。你真善良。”蚂蚁一边说一边向家跑，“你就了我的命，我会奥达你的。再见!”

“再见!小心别掉进河里了。”鸽子说。

几天后，鸽子正在筑巢，一个人举着枪要打鸽子。蚂蚁看见了，迅速地跑过去，在那个人的腿上咬了一口。“啊呀!哎呀!”那个人疼得扔掉枪。鸽子听见了，连忙飞走了。那个人只好捡起枪，走了。

鸽子又飞回巢里。“谢谢你，我的小朋友。”鸽子说，“你就了我的命。”

小蚂蚁可高兴了，因为他也帮助了鸽子。

英语幽默小故事（5）

Don't Pick Up the Money on the Ground

An economist professor and a student are walking down the street when they see a $20 bill lying on the sidewalk in front of The student goes to pick up the money but his professor stops him and tells him not to

Why not?

If it were a real twenty-dollar bill, someone would have picked it up   

Everything that can be invented has been

别捡地上的钱

一位经济学教授和一名学生正在大街上行走，这时他们看到前面的人行道上躺着一张20美元面值的钞票。学生走过去准备捡，教授制止了他，告诉他别自寻烦恼。

“为什么不捡?”

“假如那是一张真20美元钞票的话，早就有人捡走了。”

“该发明的都已经被发明出来了。”

英语幽默小故事（6）

The Less You Know, the More Money You Make

Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business

Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is

Postulate 2: Time is

As every engineer knows, Since Knowledge=Power, and Time=Money, we have

Solving for Money, we get:

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work

Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you

知识越少挣钱越多

定理：工程师和科学家永远应当比经济专家挣钱少。

下面是对该定理的一个严格的数学证明：

假设一：知识就是力量(Power)。

假设二：时间就是金钱。

每个工程师都知道：功率(Power)= 。既然知识=力量，时间=金钱，我们有：知识= 。求解金钱表达式，我们得到：金钱= 。

因此，当知识趋于零时，无论你做了多少功，金钱趋于无穷大。

结论：知识越少，你挣得的金钱就越多。

英语幽默小故事（7）

They Should Be Playing at Night

A therapist, a priest and an economist go The group ahead of them is extremely slow, leading to  some frustration among the Their complaints are overheard, and a man from the group ahead walks over  to He introduces himself as an aide because the group of golfers he is with is blind! The aide thanks the three in appreciation for  their patience for the blind The priest goes, "Oh no, all my life I've preached for all to be better to my fellow man and here I am complaining about  the blind!" The therapist says, "I've been trained my whole life to help others and here I am complaining about the blind, shame on  me!" The economist says, "Oh no! They should be playing at "

他们本该在晚上打球

神父、心理学家和经济学家三人结伴打高尔夫。前面的一组打球进度极其缓慢，这让三人大为恼火。他们开始抱怨，前面那组中的一人听到抱怨声后朝他们走了过来。他自我介绍说是前面那组球手们的助手，因为那组球手都是盲人。助手感谢他们三位耐心等待。神父听后忙说：“哦，不会吧?我一辈子都在祈祷同胞们过上更美好的生活，而我却在这里抱怨这些盲人!”心理学家也赶紧说：“我一生的信条是帮助别人，可是我却在这里抱怨这些盲人，我真惭愧!”这时只听经济学家说：“哦，别这样!他们本该在晚上打球的。”

英语幽默小故事（8）

A fellow pilot flying over the Midwest heard an air-traffic controller trying to contact an airliner for normal frequency “Flight 354，“said the controller，"contact Kansas City Center on frequency “The request was repeated several times with no reply from the ，in exasperation the controller raised his "Flight 354，Simon says contact Kansas City Center on frequency ”The call was acknowledged with an emharrassed reply and prompt

一名飞行员在中西部上空听到地面指挥塔的指挥员在呼叫一民航调整其正常接收频率。"354航班，”指挥塔在呼叫，“请与堪萨斯市中心频率联系。”这一指令重复了几次之后，竟没得到任何回音。最后，指挥塔的指挥员显然是被激怒了，他大声地锐:"354航班，西蒙说速与 5预率联系。”这一声显然奏效，只听对方慌忙地做了回答并迅速服从了指挥。”

英语幽默小故事（9）

Einstein's Question

When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly To pass the time , he asked what were their IQs . The first replied "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein, "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general " The second answered "Good," said Einstein, "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world " The third New Zealander mumbled Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?" (Adapted from The Economist, June 13th 1992, 71)

爱因斯坦的困惑

爱因斯坦升天后在天国之门的外面遇到了三个排队的新西兰人。为了打发时间，爱因斯坦就问他们智商有多高。第一个回答说190。“太棒了，”爱因斯坦惊呼道，“我们可以讨论欧内斯特·卢瑟福对原子物理学的贡献以及我的广义相对论了。”第二个回答说150。“不错，”爱因斯坦说，“我期待着和你讨论新西兰的无核立法对世界和平的作用。”第三个人咕哝着说是50。爱因斯坦停顿了一下，然后问道：“那么阁下预测一下明年政府的预算赤字是多少呢?”(改编自1992年6月13日的《济学人》第71页的文章)

英语幽默小故事（10）

Where Am I?

A man takes a hot air balloon ride

at a local country A fierce wind suddenly picks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the The man has no idea where he is, so he brings the balloon down to five meters above ground and asks a passing wanderer, "Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where I am?"

Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says, "You are in a red balloon, five meters above "

The balloon's unhappy resident replies, "You must be an "

How could you possibly know that? asks the

Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am still lost .

Then you must be in management, replies the

That's right! How did you know?

You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!

我在哪?

一人在某地区的乡村博览会上乘坐热气球玩。突然一阵狂风刮来，热气球被吹到了一个远离博览会的地方，把这个人带到了乡间。他不知道自己身在何处，因此把热气球降到了距离地面五米的地方，询问一个路人：“打搅一下，先生，可否告诉我我在哪里?”

路人看了看坐在热气球里的这个人后答道：“你在地面之上五米处的一只红色热气球里。”

热气球里的人很不高兴：“你肯定是位经济学家。”

“你怎么知道?”路人问道。

“因为你给出的这个答案技术上完全正确，但是毫无用处，没有改变我迷路的事实。”

“如此说来你一定是位管理人员喽?”路人回敬了一句。

“一点不错!你怎么知道的呢?”

“你在上面的视野那么好，但是不知道自己在哪里，也不知道自己要向哪里去。事实是，你现在的位置和我们相遇之前的位置完全一样，但是你却把你的问题归咎在我身上。”

英语幽默小故事（11）

Economist Poem

If you do some acrobatics

with a little mathematics

it will take you far

If your idea's not defensible

don't make it comprehensible

or folks will find you out ,

and your work will draw attention

if you only fail to mention

what the whole thing is

If an economist you will be,

you must talk of GNP

and of elasticity,

of rates of substitution,

of the other propensity,

and marginal this, and marginal

经济学家之歌

如果你在玩花样的时候

用上一点点数学，

它将让你显得高深莫测。

如果你的想法不是无懈可击

那就让它若即若离，

不然人们会揭穿你的老底;

你的工作将会引起世人的注意，

只要你没有提及

你的葫芦里到底卖的是什么狗皮。

假如你想在将来成为一名经济学家，

你就必须谈论国民生产总值

以及弹性系数，

必须谈论替代率，

谈论其他倾向

以及各种边际。

英语幽默小故事（12）

What Do Two Plus Two Equal?

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same The interviewer

calls in the mathematician and asks, "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies, "" The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, "

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average , four—give or take ten percent, but on average, "

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up , locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

2加2等于几?

一位数学家、一位会计师和一位经济学家申请同一份工作。面试官先把数学家叫进了办公室问道：“2加2等于几?”

“等于4。”数学家答道。面试官继续问：“不多不少恰好等于4吗?”数学家感到不可思议，看着面试官答道：“没错啊，就等于4。”

接着，面试官把会计师叫了进来，问了相同的问题：“2加2等于几?”

“通常等于4，但上下有10%的浮动，不过通常等于4。”

最后，面试官把经济学家叫了进来，问了相同的问题：“2加2等于几?”只见经济学家站了起来，关上门，拉上了窗帘，然后坐到面试官旁边，低声问道：“你想让它等于几?”

英语幽默小故事（13）

My husband，Michael，a bus driver，was passing a deserted bus stop when one of his passengers called out that a woman wanted to get He pulled up to the curb and opened the

我丈夫，麦克是个开大巴士的。一次当他刚要开过一个无人上下车的车站时，一位乘客喊过有位老妇人要上车。麦克把车停靠在马路边，打开了车门。

After a minute，Michael saw an elderly woman with a cane crossing the street

过了足有一分钟，麦克才见到一位老太太拄着拐杖，慢腾腾地过着马路朝车子走来。

He waited patiently as she made her way to the bus and climbed the

麦克衬心地等她来到汽车旁上着台阶。While she was looking in her purse for her bus pass，he began to close the ”Wait a minute!”she "My mother's ”

趁老太太打开钱包找月票的工夫，麦克欲关门，老妇人阻止道:“等一会，我妈妈还在后面呢!”

英语幽默小故事（14）

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet " Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years "

Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”

英语幽默小故事（15）

Two guys were walking through the All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?" His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than "

两个男人正在穿过丛林，突然，一只老虎出现在远处，向他们冲来。 其中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”鞋，开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说，“你以为穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗?” 他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得过它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。”