Work Text:
Cardinal Goffredo Tedesco was a responsible man, a peak example of God's messenger — always fulfilling his duties with unwavering passion, always ready to guide lost souls towards the ultimate truth, always putting The Holy Church on the first place.
At least this is what he believed.
He didn't resemble a responsible adult at all when he was running around The Vatican Gardens, screaming, panicking, wailing, cursing, summoning all demons from depths of hell — and the last activity posed a certain danger, considering the fact his Latin was flawless and there was a significant chance demons could actually understand him.
"NOOOOO!!!" he yelled, falling to his knees, ready to blaspheme against God and all saints.
Thomas had been observing this miserable performance from a window for last ten minutes and finally decided to intervene, for those screams were becoming unbearable and might attract unwanted attention — God knows how many journalists were trying to eavesdrop on the cardinals' private conversations.
He approached Tedesco slowly, with a soft smile and a calming gesture, being fully aware he was about to calm down an agitated lion. Whatever made the Italian furious, it'd better be solved quickly.
"Goffredo," Thomas' used all his acting skills to make his voice calm, soothing and understanding. "Goffredo. Please tell me what's wrong, and I'm sure we can tackle it together, this problem of yours."
Tedesco roared and bristled, just like he really was a big feline hissing at neighbour's dog. His glasses almost fell from his nose and he caught them in air.
"Goffredo," Thomas continued, "please, you can tell me everything, we're one big family. What made you upset?"
The Italian finally gave up, realising Thomas could be his only chance to save the day.
"Right," Goffredo wiped his face with a dirty, stained, vintage handkerchief. "I don't know how to say this, but…"
"But?"
"But..." he hesitated, lowering his gaze in shame. "Thomas. Please, help me. Please. I lost my vape. Thomas. This is the end of the world. Please, help me! Thomas!"
“Your vape. Your precious vape.” Thomas pronounced every word carefully, highlighting every letter, a certain kind of tiredness hearable in his voice. “Goffredo, I’m sorry to hear that, but don’t you think your… vaping habit is getting out of control?”
“Yes, yes, I know I’m heavily addicted, my lungs are one big piece of smoked meat, and I’m probably growing ten different kinds of cancer. Vanity of vanities, this is what we are! The Book of Ecclesiastes, you know. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow. Much madness. This is how I’m coping, Thomas. So deep was Jesus’s love when he died for sins like mine. Pity, pity, pity on me!”
“Shall I send anyone to buy you a new vape? Discreetly?” Thomas asked, hoping for harnessing this catastrophe quickly.
“It was my special vape,” Tedesco was clutching his right hand, just like he was trying to materialise his lost possession with the power of his brilliant Italian mind. “I… put some stickers on it, these ones with little cute angels. This was a personalised vape. This is serious, Thomas.”
“Of course it is,” at no time did Thomas want to question Tedesco’s tragedy. “When was the last time you were vaping? Do you remember?”
“Yes. Maybe an hour ago I was sitting on a bench on the other side of the garden and vaping. Then I went on a small walk to stretch these old bones a little bit. Then I checked on turtles. Then I met the gardener and we had a heated discussion over the best ways to grow pelargonium. Then I sat on the bench again and scrolled TikTok. Then I reached to my pocket and… it wasn’t there, Thomas. It simply wasn’t there, my precious device of doom.”
“Turtles, you say. Turtles. Their pond is nothing but a black hole, everything disappears there in mysterious circumstances. Let’s check on there. Sounds like a plan, Goffredo?”
“Are you suggesting my vape drowned in the pond?!”
“No, no, no, I’m not suggesting anything. C’mon. Let’s go.”
The cardinals began their march towards the turtles’ oasis. Seldom was Tedesco that silent and gloomy, and Thomas got really concerned about the seriousness of his friend’s addiction.
Turtles were bathing in the murky waters, unbothered by the problems and worries of the outside world. Thomas counted them quickly — their tendency to escape and get ran over by cars was always bothering him — eight, nine, ten, eleven… eleven…
“One is missing,” Thomas’ voice was a little bit shaky. “The one with an orange mark on the shell.”
“My vape is missing!” Tedesco reminded while pacing nervously.
“Okay, okay. We’ll look for both. Just take a deep breath. Saint Anthony, his hand will guide us. This is Vatican, miracles are obligated to happen there frequently, and this would a really tiny miracle, to find both the turtle and the vape.”
Tedesco mumbled something indistinguishable, probably a few curses in Latin bur finally nodded in a reluctant agreement. The search mission officially began. The Italian, wanting to avoid getting his cassock wet, started to lurk in the nearby bushes. Having no other choice, Thomas stepped into the pond, kneeled down and hissed in pain when his knees and joints reminded him how old he was.
“Ah, here you are,” he whispered softly to the turtle that was hiding behind a big statue of a cherub. “Come here to daddy. Don’t be shy, little one.”
Not without effort, he reached for the turtle and pulled it out of its hiding place. “Hey, what do you have there?”
A small, metal, heavily ornated box was glued to the turtle’s shell, a significant amount of sticky tape holding it in one place. Definitely a strange discovery, turtles are not heard of being a cheaper replacement of packhorses.
“Goffredo! Goffredo! Come here quickly!”
“Have you found my vape?” Tedesco materialised immediately at the edge of the pond, a glimmer of hope shining in his eyes.
“No, but I found THIS.”
“Ah, yes, your turtle, wonderful, thank God and all saints.”
“But look. It has a box.”
“What?” Tedesco wiped his glasses quickly with his sleeve. “A box? On the turtle? This is just animal abuse. Or at least something close to that. Would you like to be wrapped in a tape? I don’t think so. That’s why it was hiding, poor baby.”
Thomas crawled out of the pond and put the turtle on the ground. Tedesco got closer, intrigued by this gripping mystery.
“Let’s see what’s inside…”
He detached the tape, it was all wet and disgusting, the glue barely holding itself together. The lid of the box was refusing to come of, after two minutes of intense struggle it eventually clicked and popped out.
“Hmmmm… Goffredo, you should take a look,” Thomas released the turtle and handed the box to the confused Italian, who let out a gasp of awe.
What was inside was the vape but not the one Tedesco had lost. This vape was upgraded. A detailed, colourful picture of Archangel Gabriel ornated the device. Andt it even wasn’t the end of miracles. Tedesco found a small, folded piece of paper, luckily the box protected it well and the paper didn’t get wet.
Happy birthday, you idiot. I love you,
Aldo
“WHAAAT?!” Tedesco screamed, breathing heavily, tense from emotions. A loud, crazy laugh took over him, and this is why Thomas didn’t hear Aldo, who been hiding in a gardener shed, coming.
“I wanted to say ‘congratulations’, but you couldn’t even find your gift yourself and Thomas had to do it for you,” Aldo smirked, clearly proud of himself for arranging this rather extraordinary birthday surprise.
“Always glad to help,” Thomas felt an immediate urge to change his wet shoes. “I’ll leave you with you boyfriend now, Aldo.”
Even from a great distance Thomas could hear cheerful screams in Italian mixed with Latin. Poor Goffredo, drowned so deep in his addiction.