How Passive-Aggressive Am I?

Is your communication style more passive-aggressive or assertive?

Everyone's passive-aggressive at some point or another, but it can be a problem if it's a habit. So, how passive-aggressive are you? We'll help you figure it out!

Answer 10 easy questions about your personality and relationships, and we'll tell you how passive-aggressive you really are. Hit "Start Quiz" to begin!

An illustration of a moody person.

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Questions Overview

1. Have you ever been sarcastic towards people you're annoyed at, and then pretended it was just a joke?
  1. Yeah, I actually do this a lot...
  2. Yeah, now and then.
  3. Very rarely.
  4. No, never.
2. Your friend accidentally says something that upsets you. How do you react?
  1. I tell them calmly but assertively that they hurt my feelings.
  2. I ignore their texts for a few days to teach them a lesson.
  3. I smile and pretend it doesn't bother me.
  4. I do something else.
3. True or false: "When someone disappoints me, I won't talk to them unless they reach out to me first."
  1. Very true
  2. Somewhat true
  3. Somewhat false
  4. Definitely false
4. Do you ever find yourself resisting help or support because you don't really believe you deserve it?
  1. Yes....
  2. Eh, sometimes.
  3. No, never.
5. You're working on a group project for school, and one of the members is really slacking off. How do you react?
  1. I slack off too. If they want to do the bare minimum, so will I.
  2. I pick up the extra slack to make up for them dropping the ball.
  3. I say something under my breath about how some people think the assignment is beneath them.
  4. I take them aside and calmly discuss the matter with them.
  5. I tell the teacher that not everyone in my group is contributing.
  6. I do something else.
6. What's most likely to go through your mind when someone compliments you?
  1. They didn't really mean it. They were just being nice.
  2. They must want something from me.
  3. Aw, how kind of them!
  4. They must be being sarcastic, or trying to trick me somehow.
  5. They must feel bad for me. That's why they said that.
  6. Something else.
7. You moved last year, and your friend wasn't around to help you. Now, they're moving, and they've asked for your help. You're available to pitch in. What do you do?
  1. Lie and tell them I can't.
  2. Help them.
  3. Help them a little bit, but not too much.
  4. Something else.
8. Agree or disagree? "If they really cared about me, they would know intuitively what I need, without having to be told."
  1. Definitely agree
  2. Slightly agree
  3. Slightly disagree
  4. Definitely disagree
9. True or false? "When I'm not feeling happy, I may throw myself into my everyday responsibilities (like work) instead of tending to my emotional needs."
  1. Definitely true
  2. Mostly true
  3. Mostly false
  4. Definitely false
10. After a big win (like acing a hard test or getting a promotion), do you ever avoid discussing it with loved ones, because you don't really think you deserve praise for it?
  1. Yes, very often.
  2. Yeah, sometimes.
  3. No, I tell my loved ones about my wins so they can celebrate with me.

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What does it mean to be passive-aggressive?

"Passive-Aggression" Defined
We've all heard the term "passive-aggressive," but what does it really mean to be passive-aggressive? For more information, we decided to go straight to the experts. We asked a team of psychologists and counselors for their insight, and here's what they had to say:

  • Clinical psychologist William Gardner, PsyD: "I think passive aggressiveness comes when someone doesn't feel heard when they're assertive... I think they do it because they're not feeling heard or they're feeling frustrated."[1]
  • Dr. Gardner adds: "I would say passive aggressiveness is something you do to end the conversation and is designed to make the other person feel bad. Nobody wins."[2]
  • Communication therapist Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP: "Silence often comes from avoidance, fear, or insecurity. Some people don’t know how to express what they feel or fear conflict. Others might use it as control or punishment. Regardless of intent, [passive-aggression is] an emotionally immature coping mechanism."[3]
  • Licensed clinical psychologist Steven Hesky, PhD: "In classic definition, passive aggressiveness is something that happens where the person committing the aggression doesn't even know they're being aggressive."[4]
  • Clinical counselor Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.: "Passive-aggressive is that horrible feeling in your chest where you don't stand up for yourself and you don't set the boundaries that you know you truly want to. So, that starts to come out in things like body language and tone of voice, as opposed to you actually saying the things you wish you had said."[5]


Overcoming Passive-Aggression
Luckily, if you struggle with passive-aggressive behavior, it's possible to overcome it, though it's unlikely to happen overnight. Here are some tips to help you navigate the journey towards more direct confrontation:

  • Be aware of the emotions you're feeling under the surface. Are you angry? Sad? Scared? Often, passive-aggression stems from feelings of fear (of intimacy or rejection), anxiety, or low self-esteem. Identifying and addressing negative emotions when they come up will help you curb the impulse to act passive-aggressively.
  • Identify passive-aggressive habits. Often, passive-aggressive behavior isn't intentional. But identifying it when it arises will help you overcome the habit. Do you tend to shut down when conflict arises? Do you give people the cold shoulder? Give backhanded compliments to people who hurt your feelings? How do these behaviors end up serving you in the long run? Are there healthier ways to express your negative feelings?
  • Build your conflict resolution skills. Passive-aggressive behavior usually coincides with a lack of conflict resolution abilities. By developing your skills in this area, you can slowly overcome the impulse to respond to conflict passive-aggressively.
  • Practice communicating what you need. If you're afraid to express your needs or negative feelings, practicing asking for what you need more directly and setting boundaries can help. Remember that people can't read your mind, even those with the best of intentions who love you very much, and may need you to tell them assertively, but respectfully. Over time, you'll likely see that communicating your needs won't automatically result in rejection or abandonment.
  • Accept responsibility for your passive-aggressive behavior. Everyone messes up sometimes, and as you work to overcome your passive-aggressive behavior, you'll no doubt make mistakes. That's OK! Take ownership, apologize as needed, and start again.
  • Consider seeing a therapist. A therapist can help you understand the root cause of your behavior so that you can navigate a way forward. Healing is always possible!


Further Reading
For more insight into what passive-aggression is, where it stems from, and how to combat it (in yourself or in others), check out these wikiHow articles:

Want to learn more?

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References

  1. ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
  2. ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
  3. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Communication Therapist. Expert Interview
  4. ↑ Steven Hesky, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
  5. ↑ Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.. Clinical Counsellor. Expert Interview

Reader Success Stories

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    Jul 19

    "Good, I feel so well that I could fly."
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